We live in a time when even the simplest things have become a battleground. Fear puts us in a me versus you mentality. It makes us rigid in our thinking and causes us to look for the worst in others. Jesus said, "Blessed are the peacemakers, they will be children of God." In a time of discord and disarray, how can we be peacemakers?
Peacekeeping Vs Peacemaking
When I say Peacemaking I do not mean "keep the peace."Peacekeeping is to appease someone who becomes easily upset. In the process we forfeit our values, needs, and wants to the most emotionally unstable person in the room.
The compulsion to peacekeep comes from self-protection. It stems from the belief "I'm not okay unless you're okay." So we take the responsibility of regulating someone else's emotions. This is a false-safety.We can only ever truly regulate our own emotions. To peacekeep is to exchange genuine personal power for a fake sense of control.
For those who fall into peacekeeping, the key is to become okay with allowing others to be responsible for their own reactions. Easier said than done, but it is an important step to cultivate real peace.
Peacemaking vs Steamrolling
On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have steamrollers. Steamrolling is to assert one's own values, needs, and wants in a way that does not make room for others. This silences the voices of those who could offer valuable perspectives.
The compulsion to steamroll also comes from self-protection. It stems from the belief "if you're right then I'm wrong." Steamrolling behavior views a difference in opinion as threatening. “If I could block out threatening voices, they can't hurt me.” This is also false-safety. Once again, we can't control what someone else thinks. We can only control what we think.
For those who fall into steamrolling, the key is to find value in outside perspectives and validate that you can both have good things to say, even if those things are different. Someone else's value does not have to steal from yours.
Becoming A Peacemaker
Peacemaking decisions happen at the intersection of honoring yourself and honoring others. Remember, to honor does not mean to appease. It is possible to make a peacemaking decision that will upset others. Your responsibility is to live in alignment with your values while honoring and respecting the other person's differences.
Example, I want burgers for dinner, but my husband wants pizza. If I don't mind having pizza, we can have pizza. Not a big deal. If I really want a burger instead, I can make a burger and my husband can have pizza.
I'm not going to resent my husband for having pizza or demand he have a burger too- that's controlling. He can have pizza if he wants. I'm also not going to feel guilty for wanting something different, that's enmeshment. I can have a burger while he eats pizza and we can still share a meal together. I can respect his wants and my wants at the same time.
Peacemakers are Unifiers
That is the beauty of peacemaking. People can have different values, beliefs, goals, thoughts, and feelings. We can work together to make something better because of those differences, not in spite of them.
When you are feeling threatened do you lean into steamrolling or peacekeeping? What would help you be a better peacemaker?
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