I can always count on you.
I appreciate your help.
You're the best!
Who doesn't like to feel appreciated? I do!
A while back, I started noticing times spent time with people I really didn't enjoy. I'd agree to do things I didn't want to do. I even said things I really didn't mean. It felt too uncomfortable to make waves, so I would do what others expected at the cost of being honest.
Over time, though, praise from others became less satisfying. What used to make me feel good about myself began to feel heavy and burdensome. I wanted to stop, but I felt so guilty when I tried to say no! I understand why they call it, "the disease to please." It took some digging, but this is what I learned about people pleasing, and how to stop doing it.
Why Do We Like to People Please?
People pleasing is hard to break because it looks pretty on the outside. We are able to justify living inauthentically in the name of "doing the right thing" or "politeness"or "being a good person." Living out these types of virtues are often rewarded socially. We get told we are needed and gain a feeling of importance when we can be of service to others. The acts of serving, helping others, being there for a friend... these are all good things when it is genuine.
When People Pleasing Falls Short
When our service and engagement with others is not from a genuine place of desire, people pleasing will eventually fall short. At its core, people pleasing is disingenuine interaction. It is contaminated with unspoken contracts. "If I do ___ then they will___"
What happens when the other person doesn't fulfill their end of the contract? If you find yourself feeling resentful, angry, frustrated, sad, exhausted or even shameful, that is a sign people pleasing is not working for you. What started out as a positive thing can easily turn into earning your worth through how other people feel about you.
Where Does People Pleasing Come From?
People pleasing is fueled by the belief that our environment is our responsibility. If things are going well, it is because I am good. If the environment is unpleasant, it is because I am bad.
, "I am good, when I you ___"
I am good when you like me
I am good when you feel happy
I am good when you laugh
I am good when things run smoothly
"I am bad when you ___"
I am bad when you are disappointed
I am bad when you are in need
I am bad when you feel angry
That is a lot of pressure! We feel compelled to do what we don't want to because we ultimately feel responsible for the reactions, behaviors, and emotions of other people. This is why it feels unbearable to allow someone to feel disappointed. Somewhere in the back of our head, there is a voice saying, "Their consequences are my fault."
Breaking Free From People Pleasing
In order to break free from people pleasing we need to reorder our sense of responsibility. This will require some outside help, but here are a few things that can help start that process.
Observe Others: We can learn a lot just by noticing the people around us. Who do you know that has great boundaries and lives authentically?
Start with You: If you feel responsible to take care of other people's emotions, there is a good chance you desire other people to take care of yours. Is this true for you? You can start flipping the script by viewing your emotions as your responsibility. This will naturally shift your priorities and choices. Its okay if you pendulum to focusing on you for a while, you'll find a balance over time.
Disarm the Alarms: When you start creating boundaries and choose to care for yourself, it will feel uncomfortable at first. You may even have some emotional whiplash. This is perfectly normal. For more information on how to handle this, you can read my blog on cultivating inner peace, linked below.
Reflection:
Do you wrestle with people pleasing?
When does it feel hard to say no?
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