Bronnie Ware wrote a memoir called Regrets of the Dying. She reflected on many conversations with folks in their final hours of life. The most common regret of the dying was, "I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."
WOW.
The number one regret of the dying is, "I didn't live life authentically."
Can we sit with that for a minute?
When you look back on your life, what feeling do you want to have about it?
At the end of my life, I want to feel satisfied with the impact I've made and the people I loved. Authenticity is a key to feeling satisfied.
What is Authenticity Anyway?
Authenticity is a type of personal freedom as outlined by Virginia Satir:
The freedom to see and hear (perceive) what is here and now, rather than what was, will be, or should be.
The freedom to think what one thinks, rather than what one should think.
The freedom to feel what one feels, rather than what one should feel.
The freedom to ask for what one wants instead of waiting for permission.
The freedom to take risks on one's own behalf instead of choosing to be secure and playing it safe.
Authenticity is what happens when we free ourselves from the shoulds, expectations, and judgments that other people put on us.
What Gets In The Way of Authenticity?
We rely on belonging for survival just as much as the food we eat and the air we breathe. Authentic expression is scary when it rubs against the identity of the group.
What if I'm not accepted?
Fear of rejection causes us to forfeit authentic expression to the expectations of others. We know we are living out of this fear when we see relationship traps take root in our lives.
people pleasing
perfectionism
trying to fit in
proving ourselves
Inauthenticity is a Learned Behavior
Next time you have a chance, observe how kids express themselves. They will be brutally honest.
Mom! What's wrong with that lady's face?
Kids express themselves authentically because they haven't been taught to follow the social rules yet. We were kids once too, who expressed themselves authentically even when it wasn't polite.
But I want you to think back to your own childhood. Remember a time when you embarrassed or offended your parents. How did they react? What did that teach you about yourself and the world?
Come Out of Hiding, You're Safe Here With Me
We learn Perfectionism, trying to fit in, people pleasing, and proving ourselves as a way to handle rejection. Rejection tells us "its not safe to be here!" so our authentic self moves into hiding. This hiding... is shame.
The quiet voice in the back of the mind warns us against "being ourselves." It is the inner critic. The inner critic keeps pain alive in our heads through replaying. It is trying to help us avoid the mistake of showing ourselves again.
For some of us, the authentic self is in such deep hiding, we don't even know what she looks like. We are lost to discover our own dreams, wants, desires, and thoughts. For others, we are aware of her, but she has restrictions.
In order to reclaim authenticity in our lives, first we need to learn how to be a good friend to ourselves. We do this through:
Practicing kindness
Listening to yourself
Connecting to yourself
Honoring yourself
Celebrating what is good about yourself
Setting healthy limits and boundaries
Next, we need courage to practice expressing authenticity with people that are safe. This means the relationships will have some of these qualities:
They want goodness for you
They honor differences
They value the five freedoms
They practice authenticity for themselves
They will be gracious with us while we figure out how to express ourselves with maturity
They are willing to address problems with kindness, compassion, and openness
If you do not have that type of community available to you. You can learn more about our community here.
Reflection:
Revisit the list of five freedoms. Which areas, if any, do you hold back?
What relationship traps do you lean towards?
What is one thing you can do this week to better your relationship with yourself?
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