Have you seen the movie, Shrek? I saw it at least three times in the theater as a kid and many times after that. This scene always stuck on me. I couldn't help feeling like Donkey, because I didn't get it. Ogres have layers?
People Have Layers!
Years later, I am on my healing journey. I think I'm doing great for a while until... an old wound pops back up. Surprise!
But I thought I healed this already. Haven't I grown? Why am I not past this?
How discouraging! But today I want to encourage you (and myself...) That you didn't regress. You didn't go backwards. You haven't reverted. This is a natural part of the healing process.
Why?
Ogres aren't the only ones who have layers. People do too.
New Seasons Unlock New Layers
Time is cyclical, it runs in seasons. Every autumn, you can find pumpkin spice, weather change, school back in session, and the leaves begin to fall. Literal seasons have familiar tastes, sights, and smells, and so do our internal seasons. We have seasons of being, seasons of rest and reflection, seasons of renewal, seasons of grieving, of growth, of exploration...
Each internal season has a cluster of emotions, thoughts, memories, and beliefs attached to them. New circumstances bring new perspective to these familiar experiences.. Seeing our"familiars" through new eyes will gift us the opportunity to heal any unclosed loops from the past..
Recognizing the Season Shift
Some season shifts are easy to spot because they are attached to an event. Examples include starting a new job, going through a breakup, or beginning a new relationship. Transitions will almost always bring about a new season. To get the most out of each season, we want to "tune in" to ourselves to discern the change.
Many practices can help us become more aware of our position. Some examples include: meditation, mindfulness, prayer, reflection, and stillness.
I noticed that I've been feeling a heated sensation under my skin recently. I also noticed more anger and criticism popping into my head. This is a cue from my nervous system there has been a shift and it is time to look inward.
What Feels Familiar?
As I do this, I am reminded of a memory from my childhood. I stand in my kitchen- white walls, black countertop. I remember feeling angry and hurt because my mom and I had a disagreement, but there was no discussion. It was "I'm right and you are wrong because I'm older and smarter." My fists were clenched and my face was stone. I felt hot tears welling behind my eyes, but I did not let myself cry. I didn't want to let her win. Instead, I swallowed them into my stomach.
Don't cry. Don't react. Keep your mouth shut.
This season reminds my body of unresolved pain. It thinks I am unsafe. Hence... the fight response. To close the pain loop, I need to help my body feel seen, safe, and soothed.
Feeling Seen
We feel seen when we feel validated. I don't remember the details from my memory, but I don't need to. I can still validate myself by to the noticing the impact the experience had on my body. For me, the impact was learning this.
Speaking my mind is not allowed. The way to stay safe is to avoid getting noticed.
Feeling Safe
How can we feel safe?
By signaling the fight is over.
This can happen through grounding exercises, remembering the good times, or by assuring myself I am in a different situation now. It might look something like this.
Grounding: I can feel the couch underneath me as I sit now. The couch is strong. The couch can handle my weight. I am safe sitting on this couch in this moment.
Feeling Soothed
To feel soothed is to recognize the things we really need to thrive. It also means to tap into nurture for this situation. In the present, I launched my website and that reality has clashed with my rule about "not getting noticed". Soothing myself in this situation looks like acknowledging I deserve to have a voice.
Here is an example of self-soothing.
"I'm so sorry that it was scary for you to speak your truth growing up. It was not right for your voice to be squashed. The truth is... every person needs a place to express themselves authentically.
You deserve to experience the freedom of expressing how you really feel and what you really think. I'm also sorry for the ways that I partnered with fear and kept you silent. I didn't understand how that was hurting you. Moving forward, I am going to work on learning how to give you space to speak and not let fear of rejection overpower you."
Closing the Pain Loop
The more we practice the skills of feeling seen, safe, and soothed, the quicker we will be able to move through triggers. It will also help us be more available to the passions, people, and projects we care about most.
What is your current season?
What are the familiar thoughts, feelings, and sensations for this season?
For what do you need to feel seen, safe, and soothed?
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