Betrayal is when someone on your team puts you in harms way. It feels like a roller coaster of emotions. Punched in the gut one minute and blind with rage the next. It is a confusing place to be, but there is a way out when we address these three problems.
Problem 1: The emotional roller coaster
Problem 2: Self-doubt
Problem 3: Unpaid debt
Problem 1: The Emotional Roller Coaster
To solve the emotional roller coaster problem, we want to learn how to feel emotions productively. When It comes to emotions, people usually live in one of two camps. Camp A stuffs emotions in a trunk and pretends they don't exist. Camp B believes they can't control emotion and they are taken over by them.
Camp A:
Stuffing emotions down uses a lot of energy. Picture yourself holding a beach ball underwater. How difficult is it to keep down?
The ball wants to come to the surface and it will default to that unless we are using a lot of energy to keep it at bay. Emotions are similar. If we ignore them, they will explode up in ways we don't want. Stuffing emotions down only tricks us into thinking we have control.
Camp B:
Submitting to being taken over by emotion also takes a lot out of us. I often hear people say, "I can't control how I feel!"
When we regulate, we can learn to be in touch with our emotions without being taken over by them.
Productive Emotion:
To feel emotion productively, we need to trust that we will feel alright again. Many people avoid painful emotions out of fear they will be trapped there. Emotions are not holding-cells, they are something we move through quickly when we build the skill of regulation. Each major emotion is supposed to be a signal that brings us to action. When we honor the action, the emotion will resolve.
Each of the 6 emotions communicates a need.
Anger- "I need something to stop, I need to be separate."
Sadness- "Something is missing from me, I need to be comforted."
Fear- "Something is threatening me, I need safety."
Shame- "I have reached a limit, I need to stop."
Disgust- "This is bad for me, I need to get away."
Overwhelm, shut down- "I need help."
When we understand our emotions as communication, we can feel them without getting stuck.
Problem 2: Self Doubt
I define confidence as knowing what you authentically want, think, and feel independent of what is expected.. Confidence requires self-trust. When a relationship is damaged through betrayal, it can cause self-doubt. This triggers an inner-war through the way we talk to ourselves.
Our self-talk shows up in different ways:
through literal self-talk
through the imagined voice of other people
through replaying of situations in the mind
through imagined scenarios we think up
The first step is to realize we are talking to ourselves. Then we want to try to step back and watch what is happening. The goal is to answer these questions.
How am I talking to myself? What story am I telling? Is it the story I want to believe?
Separating from the Inner Critic:
Once you realize you are telling yourself a story. You can decide to disagree with it. You can also tell yourself a new story. There are many ways to narrate the same event.
Example:
Thought: "You lost your charger, how stupid and irresponsible."
Recognition: "I had a thought that I am irresponsible and stupid for losing my charger."
Replacement: "I lost my charger. That is annoying, but I am human and humans lose things. What can I do about it?"
It will not work if you try to replace self-criticism with "I'm amazing." It only works if you believe some of what you are saying.
Problem 3: Unpaid Debt
When someone does you wrong, it puts charge on your credit card without your consent. Imagine someone stole $50,000 from you and then gambled it away. This person has no way to repay you. What would you do?
You could hunt them down or attack them (anger), hurt yourself (resentment), pretend it didn't happen (denial), obsess over your bank statement (depression), or you could let it go (forgiveness).
If I hold on to the debt,I will give the problem more control over me. It will glue me to the thing I hate the most. Forgiveness is the process of understanding how an action affected you and letting yourself free from those consequences.
Why Do We Resist Forgiveness?
Most of us were forced to say "I'm sorry" and “its okay” as a way to resolve conflict as kids. I don't know about you, but I knew the other person wasn't sorry. I also knew that I was not okay with what happened.
What message does that teach about forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a way to be polite
Forgiveness is my duty, not a choice
I have to let someone back into my space even when I don't feel ready
Forgiveness means what happened is okay
Forgiveness means I pretend it never happened
No wonder we don’t like to forgive!
Set Yourself Free: I'm Responsible for Me, You're Responsible for You
I believe true forgiveness has two keys: validating your pain and responsibility management. It is important to sit down and understand what debt exactly was forgiven.
Considering the betrayal...
What bad thing(s) happened to you? What good things are missing because of this experience?
Responsibility Management
This is the practical act of letting go. My responsibility includes my choices, my feelings, my perceptions, agreements, and my desires. I can let the other person be responsible for theirs. I also don't need to control their actions or perceptions to feel safe.
If this process is difficult, I would recommend seeking help with learning how to validate your experience.
Forgiveness is NOT the Same as Relationship Repair
Forgiveness is to let go of how an experience affected you. It is not saying what happened was okay. It also does not mean this person would be allowed back into the same level of closeness. When I choose to forgive someone’s debt to me, it is because I understand they truly can’t pay me back for what was stolen.
While it is not fair for me to have this burden, the only way to lighten the load is to give it up. If I want to repair relationship, forgiveness is a prerequisite to rebuild trust. Forgiveness is not the same as repair, but it is the first step in the repair process.
Betrayal is... Sticky
Betrayal is not an easy process to navigate. You are left with an emotional roller coaster, shaken confidence, and an unpaid debt. With the right tools, you can find your way out and stress less in the process.
Which of these steps is most helpful for you in your current process?
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