"You are the only one who will take care of you."
I remember those words helped me take ownership for my life when I wanted to blame others for my problems. I would step up to the mirror, look myself in the eye and say, "you can blame everyone else all day long, but you are the only one who can change it. You are the only one who will take care of you."
At the time it felt empowering. A lightning bolt of grit would hit me and I suddenly had the backbone to do whatever I needed to. But lately I've noticed that's not working for me anymore. I don't feel empowered, but I feel sad. I thought this would be a good opportunity to unpack how beliefs shape our decisions.
Our Beliefs Shape Action
I believed I was the only one who would take care of me. My actions followed that belief. Slowly, I rejected any kind of support that came my way. I took away the chance for others to be a part of my process.
Do you need help?
Nope, I can do it.
Not strong enough?
I'll lift weights.
Don't know the answer?
I'll read books.
How are you today?
I'm fine. Lets talk about you.
Yes, I believed that I was the only one who would take care of me, but I built myself a life where only I could take care of me.
When the Story Stops Working
In this season of my life, everything is different. Those words don't feel empowering anymore. They feel like a curse. They feel like pain. They taste like grieving all of the people I pushed away because I was too afraid to be vulnerable. To be needy. To be messy. To not know the answer.
In this season, I yearn for connection and support. I dream about what it would feel like to be part of something bigger than myself.
But I built a moat with "only you will take care of you." Anytime someone else messed up, I justified digging a deeper hole.
Oh, She forgot to call me back?
No big deal. I'll show up for me.
Scoop.
A friend didn't do what they said they would do?
See? You are the only one who will show up for you.
Scoop.
Got bad advice?
That's it. You are the only one you can rely on.
Dump.
Because I told myself over and over again, "only you will take care of you" I eventually stopped trying to repair relationship with others when I was disappointed. I didn't fight or argue, I just said to myself, "Why should I expect anything else?"
Getting to the Root
When I take a step back and observe myself, I see the story unfold. My beliefs shifted from:
I'll take care of me... to
I'm the only one who will take care of me... to
I'm the only one who should take care of me... to
Why would anyone take care of me?
Over time, the story revealed its true roots. Worthiness.
"I'm the only one who will take care of me" has protected me from the pain of "No one would want to take care of me."
Where Do We Go From Here?
I've been doing this work for 10 years and most of my pain spots connect back to a feeling of shame, rejection, or unworthiness. The only way to heal is to offer radical compassion, let love into the pain, and learn a new way of doing things.
Simply said, but undoing 30 years of feeling unworthy takes a surprising amount of work!
The Power to Write A New Story
Here is some incredible news: whatever was done can be undone. Our brains are plastic meaning they adapt and change when we feed it new experiences. So here are a few ways we can offer our brains and bodies a different experience by changing the story.
Take off the glasses. Many times, the story we tell ourselves has a limited perspective. In my situation, I can think of times friends let me down, but I conveniently forget all of the times they came through. Perhaps my glasses are keeping me from seeing the full picture.
Look for counter-evidence. Once we have the stink glasses off, we can see reality for what it really is. Just as my brain searched for evidence that "I am the only one who will take care of me" I can remind myself to look for situations where others offered kindness or times when I felt "held."
Create new situations. Since I started paying attention to the belief I want to undo, I have become aware of many situations I dismissed opportunities for connection. I started making a list of ways to create connection spaces.
* Accept compliments
* Ask for help
* Be honest when others check in
* Take people up on the offers they extend
Affirm the new story. Here is the trick. Affirmations only work if some part of us believes it. If I want to change my story around money, I could repeat "I have a million dollars" and nothing will change.
But if we start with something that is realistic, the nervous system will adapt to that and we will be able to believe for more. Here is an example.
"I never have enough money" can turn into
"I paid my bills this month" to...
"I have enough" to..
"I have enough every month" to
"There is always enough"
What Stories Do You Want to Believe?
The stories we tell ourselves are powerful and they can shape the unfolding of our lives. I'd love to hear about the stories for your life. What could be possible for you if you told a different story?
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